Finding Peace

I'm at this strange place in my life where peace seems to come and go in the most unpredictable manner. I have been highly stressed in the past few months because I moved to another state and began a new job working overtime - as in all day, 7 days a week. The adjustment process for the first two months was extremely stressful, but now things are going a little smoother since I have developed a certain rhythm and familiarity with my new job and environment, and I'm getting used to being far from home, family, and friends. However, I feel quite isolated. I haven't set up a support system or feel good pastimes - since I don't really know anyone and I haven't had the time to invest in such activities.

This frustrating predicament has left me with no recourse other than to reach inside for comfort and peace of mind when I'm feeling alone, stressed, or desperate for some sort of diversion. All I can really do is reach inside and search for an inner stillness to give myself a sense of peace and sanity. For there are no nature spots where I can relax and take in the beauty - at least no one can tell me of any.

An unexpected blessing resulted from all of this frustration, boredom, and loneliness. I decided that this was a test of my faith in God and my faith in trusting that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I realized that I had no friends, pastimes, favorite places or pleasant routines to change my mood, lift my spirits, or distract me when I was feeling down. There was nowhere to go, nothing to do. No escape. No excitement. Nothing.

It was just me, myself, and I. And a lot of work, work, and more work. I realized that I had to make peace with the situation -- at least for the time being -- till the semester ended. Then I would have time to pursue things like tango lessons, writing, photography or art classes, and I'd have time to explore my new city and discover its hidden treasures and beautiful people. But until then, there was no time for all the things that make me happy. Not even time for therapeutic journaling and writing, besides, I was too exhausted.

To keep myself sane, I tried to find most of my joy while teaching. For at least then I was having some human interactions rather than just grading and prepping at home. And I must say that I've had some quite enjoyable moments with my students.

But what was really interesting about this whole experience was that, having nowhere to turn for excitement and fun, I had to silence my personality in some way. And through this silence, my soul spoke. There was no one to talk to about dance, art, psychology, spirituality, astrology, dreams, and life goals. My husband (who also works 7 days a week) and I were way too tired for anything other than dinner, a movie, and bed. And even when we wanted to take a break, we couldn't seem to find anything to do. No Balboa Park, no coastline, no mountains. I was lost without my home.

But somehow this nothingness opened the door to my soul. I lost connection with all that I knew and had no social circle or pastimes. So there was nothing left but the soul. It was as if I lost my social life and hyperactive thoughts and plans. I almost wondered what was left of me; where was I without all these mental and social constructs that I seemed to be comprised of?

My soul came forth during my exile into nothingness, and increasingly, I've noticed that those things which I value most are coming to the forefront in my life: my desire to make a difference in the world, to help others, and to live a life based on my values. I've become more compassionate, and there is nothing greater to which I can aspire. I've begun to see everything in a more holistic manner, and finally, I'm able to enjoy the forest, rather than the trees, for longer periods of time. I'm trying to find some semblance of balance despite my work schedule. In fact, this experience has forced me to look more closely at how I spend my time. How useful and healing is it to me? And how best can I manage my time so that it is good for me and others as well? And I'm now feeling my purpose without intellectualizing it all the time. My purpose as a healer is starting to reveal itself throughout more domains of my life -- rather than just when I'm in more intimate or familiar settings. The healer in me is speaking when I'm helping students or even talking to people in the grocery store. It's like this energy that just releases itself as naturally as an exhale.

I suppose I always had this energy before, but I didnt' feel it so clearly because of my overactive mind and personality. But for now, I'm out of my head and operating from a more grounded place. And what a beautiful place this is for me.

Transcendental Love

Whenever I feel the need for inspiration, I listen to Eric Butterworth's lecture, A Commitment to Love. He asserts, like most metaphysical teachers, that our ability to feel love depends on our connection to the source. Thus, most of us are perpetually frustrated by our persistent desire to seek love from an external source, namely, from other people.

When we are feeling whole and connected to God's love, we emanate a light that touches and inspires all. Yet when we lose touch with this source, we oftentimes begin to further frustrate our connection by desperately seeking love from other people. Love is not a commodity, and, thus, despite our most sincere efforts, love can never be gained, earned, or acquired from others.

Therefore, instead of searching for love, we can reconnect with God's ever-present love, and it is then that we become a beacon for others. We can then share this experience of being present, as a witness to God's love, with others. And our awareness of this eternal, all encompassing love will inspire others to awaken.

This is why spiritual teachers and healers like Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Eckhart Tolle, and the Dalai Lama have a healing effect others. They are so firmly connected to God's love that we feel uplifted when in their presence. However, their role is not to continually supply us with this healing love, so that we are dependent on their presence to feel at peace, but to inspire us to awaken to God's love, which is available to all of us in each and every moment. This is why they are healers; for they are here to remind us that we too can reconnect with this abundant flow of love and reclaim an internal sense of peace.

Maybe you are alone right now or frightened. Maybe you are in a relationship characterized by misunderstandings and loneliness. Or maybe you feel you have no close friends. This would be the best opportunity for you remember that divine love is what we all really seek.

When you reach out to your spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend, to a potential love interest, or even for the attention of others, you are really reaching out for love. Your needs are valid and real, but your efforts are misdirected. And this is why most everyone feels so frustrated in love. We waste untold effort in trying to corral the attention, desire, approval, and affection of others so that we feel loved. But so long as we try to distill love from others, either by claiming that they owe it to us for all we have done, or that it's their duty as our partners, or by manipulating their emotions or desires, we will feel an eternal sense of dependence and frustration.

Most often we end up destroying our relationships because we hold our partners responsible for our sense of completion, our sense of being special, valid, and loved. Yet it is nobody's responsibility to make us feel love. In a sense, we can't even really feel and appreciate love until we can experience it from the original source.

When we are connected to God's love, we feel the sense of wholeness, the sense of peace and completion that we so often seek from our partners, our status, and our accomplishments in the material world.

If you are awake to the joy of being alive in the presence of divine love, then you can share this experience with others who are also awake. And you can serve as a catalyst for many others who feel a spark when in your presence. And from this place, there is hope for your love relationships to become transcendental. That is, your relationships are no longer based on a bartering system but instead become rooted in divine love and spiritual growth. And when this happens, you no longer feel you need anything from anyone, for you feel complete from within.

Taking a leap of faith

"You keep looking for the ideal circumstances; it's as if you walk into a room, and you don't like the paint on the walls, so you tell yourself, 'No, this isn't it; it doesn't look right,'" I was once told by a psychic. At first I didn't get what she meant. I was looking for career advice. All my adult life I've been one of those people whose been trying to find their "purpose." You know -- the type that's never satisfied because they want some job that they're not just good at, but one where they and others feel they are naturals – and they can say, "I was born to do this. This is my destiny, my calling in life."

I know this may sound idealistic and childish to those of you who are pragmatic realists, those who think a job is just a job and that "If I can do it well and earn a good living, that's all that matters."

Well, have mercy on those of us who feel we were born to do something meaningful and feel we have some calling that we're trying to find. We want to transform the world in some small, or even big, way by helping people and expressing our deepest values. That's the idealistic and perpetually unsatisfied camp I've belonged to for most of my life.

When I looked at the psychic thinking that she just didn't understand how important and meaningful my career needed to be, and that I wouldn't rest until I managed to find my destiny, she said, "You aren't going to find the perfect situation you're looking for. You need to create it. You need to step in and change whatever doesn't work and create what is missing."

That was an interesting piece of advice, but it didn't leave me with any solid instructions. Then I became even more confused when I mentioned that I was considering becoming a therapist and she told me to become a writer. What was she thinking? That's not a job – that's a passion – and one that would more likely lead me down the path of starvation than publication.

I figured this "psychic" was just as confused as I was and forgot all about her. But she comes to mind now because the idea of creating what you want instead of searching for it by going from one major, career, relationship, or city to another, looking for whatever "IT" is – that was one damn good piece of advice. One I'm meditating on right now.

You see, sometimes we have to follow our intuition and just go for it! Many of us have a vision for ourselves – a vision of how we want our lives to look – or better yet, how we want them to feel, and what we want them to mean. It's that part of us that speaks from our soul. The person you'd likely become if you were told you had one year left to live, or the person you want to be remembered as after you die. How is it that we lose touch with that deepest, most meaningful part of ourselves? One word: fear. Fear takes over and kills our essential selves. And this is exactly what has happened to me and many other people. We become paralyzed by fears of debt, starvation, failure, life without health insurance, shame, all that good stuff.

Right now I'm staring fear in the face and telling it to take a hike. That's right: Get Lost! You see, just writing and sharing this confession is the first step -- because now I have to be held accountable. Am I a little scared? Hell yes! But I'm finally making the choice to follow my heart and that makes the process a bit more tolerable.

So here's the deal: I've been a little obsessed with wanting to find my path and now I feel I've found it and that I'm ready to follow it, except for a few minor problems. You see, I've now decided that I want to help people on a spiritual and psychological level, and that I would like to become a licensed psychologist or social worker. The title isn't important – I just want a license to counsel people and empower them to believe in themselves. Well, it all starts with numero uno, that's right, me. If I'm going to help people believe in themselves, I've got to believe in me.

And here I am, a recent graduate of a Masters in Linguistics program and a budding community college professor. I'm just getting my career started, and I'm 35 years old and have some college debt to boot. I'm also married and want to start a family. More responsibilities. And I tell myself or rather the voice of "reason" and fear tells me: "What are you thinking? You should be getting rid of your debt and buying a home and focusing on your career and family. And how in the hell do you expect to raise kids while you're in graduate school and starting a new career? That's insane." And guilt tells me: "Why would you do this to your family? It's so selfish. So self-indulgent to be chasing dreams at any cost. Thinking of yourself and no one else."

But my essential self says: "NO!!!!!!!!!! God help me! I finally found my voice and you're going to just walk away and ignore me? Please, don't go!!"

So here I am, left with a choice. Do I do what is expected and reasonable? Or do I follow my heart despite the fear that it may lead me down the path of debt, stress, and a budding career to start several years from now -- maybe even in my early 40s?

After all, I may have to take some classes to prepare myself for acceptance into a graduate program, which -- if I'm accpeted -- I can't even begin for about 1 1/2 years due to the application process.

But my biggest enemy in all of this is not my age, the time, and effort – it's the looming question: Where will you get the money to pay for this and the debt you've already accrued from the degree you just earned? Just writing this right now makes me think: "You're insane."

But maybe I'm not. If this is something that feels right in my gut -- something that feels natural and good, and something I want to do because I so very badly want to help others empower themselves and transform their lives – is it really all that crazy?

And it was this voice that pushed me to approach my counseling teacher last Thursday night and launch the following words at her, "I want to be a psychologist. How can I do that?" Then I proceeded to confess my age and debt.

She didn't seem worried. She told me that she worked her way through her graduate studies in order to pay for them – and that at one point she was dropping and later reenrolling in classes because she didn't have enough money to pay for her schooling. One day one of her professors learned of her plight and directed her to the school president who basically handed her a scholarship to pay off the rest of her schooling. She went on to tell me that the community college throws big parties for everyone to celebrate scholarship awards.

Her point, "There is a lot of money out there for scholarships." My conclusion, "So what you're saying is that I should just go for it even if I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it? I should just start down the path and if it's meant to be, it'll work out and the money will come?"

So it's now that I remember that psychic lady I spoke with a couple years back; I shouldn't wait until all signs point to a clear road ahead with guaranteed success (something I've been doing for much too long) -- cause that doesn't happen too often. But what does happen is that you feel and know in your heart what you want and what you should do, but fear stops you, because it doesn’t seem practical or because you're not sure you'll succeed.

And that's when you have to take a leap of faith -- as you start down the road towards your destiny -- all the while trusting that if it's meant to be, the money or the help you need will manifest itself when you need it most. So off I go to create the life I was meant to live!        

Answering the Call of Our Personal Muse

Today I shared my first writing assignment for my Inspirational Writing class and received great support for my work. My instructor and my peers told me that my short story seemed like it could be developed into a novel. I had a look of fear on my face as I explained, "But I'm so inexperienced." I thought to myself, what a daunting project, to write a novel. I hadn't even written fiction before. My instructor suggested that I either write a memoir or a novel in the third person, weaving fiction into my life. Wow. I was just hoping to write an article worth publishing, but they were encouraging me to write a book. It felt great to receive confirmation that I had something valuable to say. And when my instructor said, "You have a gift for crafting a story," I felt so inspired to reach beyond my limited self-perception. I had confidence as an academic writer, and maybe even an inspirational essayist, but a story teller? I always thought that writing a novel or a fictional story was way too complex and foreign for me. After all, I didn't have a degree in creative writing, so what did I know about story telling? And how could I plot out the entire story in advance?

But it was something that my instructor, Billye Johnson, told me on the first day of class that liberated me. She said, "It's like crafting an Afghan [dress]. You design each little square individually and then sew all of them together." Likewise, she explained, you can write about particular moments in your life, and then find a way to weave them together. Somehow, that simple analogy freed me to write. I didn't have to know how the story would end before I continued writing; I just had to start. I felt so free to let my creative urges dance with abandon. Suddenly, I could enjoy the creative process and liberate my desire to tell my story.

One of my classmates shared her writing, a very moving piece, and then explained how she had originally intended to focus on a different aspect of that story. Our instructor commented that oftentimes you may start out writing about one thing, but then your muse may take you somewhere else.

The funny thing is that I always took the Afghan approach in many other aspects of my life, especially when I would choreograph a dance. I would just let the music slip inside me, like a welcome breeze on a muggy summer's day. I let it move me, inspire me, and surprise me, without worrying about the final outcome. This approach always works best, for when I try to plan the dance too much in advance, it may look beautiful, but when I dance it, it may not express what the music makes me feel. And when the feeling is gone, all is lost, for the audience and the dancer alike.

I wonder what else we could learn from applying this approach to other aspects of our lives. Maybe we just need to start with one Afghan square, one story, one step, and allow the music of life to guide us toward our next step. Because when we think we know the whole dance in advance, who we'll marry, when and how we'll become parents, what we'll study, where we'll work, and where and for whom we will live our lives, our muse will oftentimes take us somewhere else. Maybe this is the magic of life, rather than its curse. For how exciting would it all be, and how much would we learn, if we knew in advance where and how the story would end?

Neuroplasticity

Okay so I'm obsessed with anything that furthers self-awareness and self-empowerment. So that explains why you'll find links to resources about new insights into the field of neuroplasticity. This fascinating field is all about the ability to change our brains by acting and thinking differently. What could be more empowering than that?

When it's meant to be: Recognizing the signs in your life

I've been looking for signs all of my life. Signs about what the heck I should and shouldn't pursue. What I might be good at or what my calling is, my purpose in this life.

I recently lost touch with my intuition and my purpose while finishing grad school. Let's just say that the linguistics grad program didn't really give me a lot of free time to focus on my inner promptings. Now that I graduated, I'm trying to open up to my inner voice and recognize all the signs in my life.

Finally, some signs came that were as clear as daylight. I decided to start teaching dance classes. I've been studying belly dance since the start of 2005 and now I feel ready to teach. I know that nothing helps us grow more than teaching. When you actually have to articulate what you know, you learn it much better. You also begin to research and document information - which only makes you more knowledgeable.

Then I came across the problem: how do I get a teaching position if I don't have experience teaching dance? Well, that's easy. I decided to teach classes to my friends (and friends of friends) for free. That way I would get experience and references. Without space, wooden floors, and large mirrors in my apartment I came across my next problem. Where will I teach?

That's when the signs started flooding in:

My friend who just bought a new home was interested and she has a large empty living room with wood floors, lots of light, and big mirrors!

Then everyone I told was interested in class - but I didn't want to burden my friend with too many strangers in her home. That's when another friend with hardwood floors and a larger mirror opened up her home for a second class. She said she also had friends who wanted to learn.

I already have several choreographies to teach. I worked on them during grad school, in hopes that I could put them to use when I had more time.

This is what I call serendipity. Sometimes things are meant to be and you can just go with the flow. That's not to say we don't work hard in life. I've been working hard learning dance for 4 1/2 years. And when I didn't have time for class anymore, I still rehearsed and choreographed whenever I got the opportunity. And now that I've put my hard work in, I'm finally reaping the benefits - and the SIGNS - that this is something I'm meant to do.

What signs have repeated themselves in your life? Where do things just flow? Do you recognize and respond to these signs? Please share your experiences with me.

Change

Lately everyone I know has been going through a major transition in their life, especially in their relationships, be it with their friends, lovers, business partners, employers, or teachers. Oftentimes we resist change because we fear losing something valuable or we fear the unknown. However, we often find ourselves forced into these transitions in order that we may break past our own limitations. When we find ourselves in any kind of relationship that no longer seems healthy we may feel an inner struggle between wanting to repair things and wanting to let go. Honor your feelings and try to repair things if possible and if you so desire, but realize that this desire must be mutual. In the end, if you find that your needs are not being met then it is time to let go. Don’t force the issue nor hold resentment because the relationship has run its course. Learn to let go and let God. Trust that whatever you need, God will provide for you. This faith will carry you with grace towards the next phase of your life and healthier relationships that allow more room for growth and fulfillment. During such transitions we learn to rely on ourselves and our faith in God. As a result, our inner confidence and our faith reach new levels. And in the end, we find that the changes we feared were in fact our greatest blessings for they helped us achieve more than we could have imagined.