Finding Peace

I'm at this strange place in my life where peace seems to come and go in the most unpredictable manner. I have been highly stressed in the past few months because I moved to another state and began a new job working overtime - as in all day, 7 days a week. The adjustment process for the first two months was extremely stressful, but now things are going a little smoother since I have developed a certain rhythm and familiarity with my new job and environment, and I'm getting used to being far from home, family, and friends. However, I feel quite isolated. I haven't set up a support system or feel good pastimes - since I don't really know anyone and I haven't had the time to invest in such activities.

This frustrating predicament has left me with no recourse other than to reach inside for comfort and peace of mind when I'm feeling alone, stressed, or desperate for some sort of diversion. All I can really do is reach inside and search for an inner stillness to give myself a sense of peace and sanity. For there are no nature spots where I can relax and take in the beauty - at least no one can tell me of any.

An unexpected blessing resulted from all of this frustration, boredom, and loneliness. I decided that this was a test of my faith in God and my faith in trusting that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I realized that I had no friends, pastimes, favorite places or pleasant routines to change my mood, lift my spirits, or distract me when I was feeling down. There was nowhere to go, nothing to do. No escape. No excitement. Nothing.

It was just me, myself, and I. And a lot of work, work, and more work. I realized that I had to make peace with the situation -- at least for the time being -- till the semester ended. Then I would have time to pursue things like tango lessons, writing, photography or art classes, and I'd have time to explore my new city and discover its hidden treasures and beautiful people. But until then, there was no time for all the things that make me happy. Not even time for therapeutic journaling and writing, besides, I was too exhausted.

To keep myself sane, I tried to find most of my joy while teaching. For at least then I was having some human interactions rather than just grading and prepping at home. And I must say that I've had some quite enjoyable moments with my students.

But what was really interesting about this whole experience was that, having nowhere to turn for excitement and fun, I had to silence my personality in some way. And through this silence, my soul spoke. There was no one to talk to about dance, art, psychology, spirituality, astrology, dreams, and life goals. My husband (who also works 7 days a week) and I were way too tired for anything other than dinner, a movie, and bed. And even when we wanted to take a break, we couldn't seem to find anything to do. No Balboa Park, no coastline, no mountains. I was lost without my home.

But somehow this nothingness opened the door to my soul. I lost connection with all that I knew and had no social circle or pastimes. So there was nothing left but the soul. It was as if I lost my social life and hyperactive thoughts and plans. I almost wondered what was left of me; where was I without all these mental and social constructs that I seemed to be comprised of?

My soul came forth during my exile into nothingness, and increasingly, I've noticed that those things which I value most are coming to the forefront in my life: my desire to make a difference in the world, to help others, and to live a life based on my values. I've become more compassionate, and there is nothing greater to which I can aspire. I've begun to see everything in a more holistic manner, and finally, I'm able to enjoy the forest, rather than the trees, for longer periods of time. I'm trying to find some semblance of balance despite my work schedule. In fact, this experience has forced me to look more closely at how I spend my time. How useful and healing is it to me? And how best can I manage my time so that it is good for me and others as well? And I'm now feeling my purpose without intellectualizing it all the time. My purpose as a healer is starting to reveal itself throughout more domains of my life -- rather than just when I'm in more intimate or familiar settings. The healer in me is speaking when I'm helping students or even talking to people in the grocery store. It's like this energy that just releases itself as naturally as an exhale.

I suppose I always had this energy before, but I didnt' feel it so clearly because of my overactive mind and personality. But for now, I'm out of my head and operating from a more grounded place. And what a beautiful place this is for me.